


Same As Always

by TheGoodDoctor



Category: Yonderland (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Ho-Tan is Trans, Pipple Tree, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 13:50:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9823379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGoodDoctor/pseuds/TheGoodDoctor
Summary: A lot of things are different now - or maybe they were always this way.





	

There have been...changes, and it is entirely the fault of the damned pipple tree.

Ho-Tan squeezes his hands into fists, fingernails indenting neat silver crescents into the heel of his palm, and uses the sharp focus to gather his thoughts into ideas and concepts. Slowly, the turbulent waves of emotions calm and Ho-Tan breathes out deeply, eyelids fluttering shut. Where to begi-

“Ho-Tan!” Elder Pressley says cheerfully, slapping his fellow Elder on the back. Ho-Tan’s eyes jump open and he sucks in an uneasy, shocked breath. “How are you, old boy?”

Ho-Tan mentally flinches, and then wonders why. That's never bothered him before, _old boy_ , and there's no reason for it to start now. “Oh, fine, fine,” he says, stumbling over the words. “I'll, um, follow you in, just a tick…” Ho-Tan trails off, absently twirling the quill between nimble fingers.

Pressley nods cheerfully and wanders into the Chamber; only slightly unsteadily, although he does list slightly to the left and bounces gently off the doorway. Ho-Tan watches as Chief Elder Choop tracks his progress and slumps in his seat with a sigh. Their eyes meet and Ho-Tan offers a commiseratory wince. Choop shakes his head, hair wobbling slightly, in a way that seems to suggest _best we're going to get_ and hops off the bench to help his drunken comrade cover Elder Flowers’ shame - or rather, lack thereof.

“What?” Elder Flowers says, almost seductive but with a whinging note. “We've all got one.”

“We all have internal organs too, _mate_ ; don't see you showing them off…” Choop says irritably as Pressley ineffectually throws items of clothing, cushions, and Unmemorable Elder...Steve? at Elder Flowers.

Ho-Tan, however, has stopped paying attention. Things were _different_ , in some way he didn't really understand. It felt like his skin didn't fit properly any more, like a thread had been pulled at one of the seams and his entire self didn't hang right on his body. Ho-Tan cannot understand, feels different, wrong-

Vex decides to stage his intervention when an ill-thrown pillow hits Ho-Tan full in the face. “Are you alright? Ho-Tan?”

Ho-Tan looks up, flutterbug-in-the-lamplights. “What? Oh, yes, fi-”

Vex purses his lips and tilts his head and Ho-Tan stutters to a halt in the face of such mild disapproval. The other Elder looks into the Chamber, in which Choop has just tripped over Helpful Elder Mya and is sitting on the floor, demanding peace, calm, and a ham sandwich whilst the other Elders yell about their rights to be naked/rights to not see Flowers naked/personal lunch desires. Vex sighs deeply and Ho-Tan smothers a giggle.

“Come on,” Vex says, defeated. “We'll never get anything done today, not without Deh-beh.”

Ho-Tan nods. “Day off all round, then.” Vex leads the way back towards the bedrooms, grumbling about incompetency and foolishness in a way that he knows makes Ho-Tan smile.

Sure enough, his friend is grinning by the time they reach Ho-Tan’s room and Vex smiles slightly at a job well done. “How will you spend you day off, then?”

Ho-Tan shrugs. “Catch up on writing, this and that...you?”

Vex narrows his eyes slightly. “Well, I had thought I might find out what's bothering you, Ho-Tan.”

Ho-Tan fumbles with the quill, almost dropping it. “I - well - I’m fi-” He stops and sighs. “Come in.”

* * *

Ho-Tan ends up on the bed, legs folded childishly. Vex sits delicately at the desk and leans forward attentively.

The quill twirls and turns in Ho-Tan’s fingers, and that becomes the focus for the thoughts. They pile up against his lips like water in a reservoir, and Ho-Tan finds that he would like to let them out. “I don't feel the same anymore. Not since the pipplefruit.”

“Ah,” Vex says, awkwardly, and Ho-Tan’s head snaps up, alert and afraid. “Yes. That, ah, hmm. I understand if you think less of - of us, of me… I don't really want to be king of the Elders, can you imagine the paperwork…” Vex looks up at the ceiling, grimacing awkwardly.

“Vex.” The other man looks back to Ho-Tan. “It's not about that.” Vex nods in apology and gestures for Ho-Tan to continue. “Do you...remember my wish?”

“Oh, yes,” Vex says eagerly. “You looked very - nice,” he says, faltering. “Deh-beh said so,” he adds, defensively.

Ho-Tan blinks, and leaves that to deal with later. “Well, I, I felt better. Then. Than I do normally.” The words begin hesitantly, building up like a snowball. “I liked it, really liked it. It had just been a sudden idea, spur of the moment, but I _loved_ it, Vex, I did. I felt normal, comfortable. It felt like I was supposed to be like...that. And now...now I can't go back.” Ho-Tan nearly sobs the last sentence, a single tear falling on the quill and magnifying the feather, so that each strand could be seen.

It is silent for what feels like years, and Ho-Tan can't see anything but those magnified strands through the tears which sit heavy around it. Vex hasn't said anything, and Ho-Tan tries not to think about what this means.

Arms wrap around shoulders and chest, and a face is buried in the long, soft strands of Ho-Tan’s hair. “Oh, Ho-Tan,” Vex says, soft and sad, and that does it. Ho-Tan clings to Vex’s beautiful sleeve and sobs, while he murmurs gentle, inconsequential things and rocks them gently.

Eventually, the tears give up and give way to hiccups which bump their skulls, so Vex manoeuvres them until they lie cuddled up on the bed, faces inches apart and Vex’s hand stroking gently up and down Ho-Tan’s side. That soft pressure and warmth is comforting, and Ho-Tan’s eyes shutter closed to revel in the sensation.

“What do you want to do now?” Vex says quietly, and Ho-Tan is panicking again. Vex frowns. “Ho-Tan? Calm down. I meant, do you want me to do anything? If you feel that you want to be a girl - I mean, that you are a gi-” he cuts himself off with a cross huff of air at his inability to explain.

Ho-Tan thinks about this. “My planning had never got this far.” Vex smiles. “I hadn't intended any of this. But I think...I think I am a girl.”

Vex pushes back a strand of Ho-Tan’s hair. “What can I do, fair lady?”

Ho-Tan beams. “You seem to have got the hang of it,” she says.

* * *

Debbie is the first other person she tells.

Ho-Tan nabs her after a meeting, takes her to one side, and panics. “Debbie, I need to tell you, but I don't know how,” she whines.

Debbie sits on the floor of the corridor and pats the surface beside her, giving up and tugging the Elder’s robe until she gets the idea and slides down the wall to the floor. “Is it a bad thing?”

“No. Maybe.” Ho-Tan sighs. “I don't know. It's just a…” she waves her hands desperately, “...thing.”

Debbie nods slowly. “Okay, a thing. Is it about Yonderland, or you?”

“Me,” Ho-Tan says decisively, thankful for some semblance of security.

“Are you healthy?” Debbie asks, smiling encouragingly.

“Yes.”

“Are you happy?”

“...getting there.”

Debbie shifts to face Ho-Tan. “Is this about the pipplefruit?”

Ho-Tan’s jaw drops. “What did Vex tell you?!” she squeaks, nearly toppling over.

“Nothing!” The Chosen One says quickly, steadying the Elder with a hand on her shoulder. “I just thought...you might be trans.” Ho-Tan blinks, looking back at her blankly. Debbie sighs. “You have no idea what that is,” she says, and Ho-Tan shakes her head.

* * *

“Debbie says there's a word for it,” Ho-Tan tells Vex later, curled up with him in her bed like they were the first day. “ _Transgender_ ,” she says proudly. “There are loads of people like me!”

Vex beams at her, eyes shining. “Ho-Tan, there is no-one quite like you.”

She blushes, brushes it off, and holds that moment close to her heart all night.

* * *

Elder Flowers is next. “Hullo,” he says, stretching.

Ho-Tan, eyes screwed shut, smiles tightly until she hears the rustle of clothing coming on instead of off. “Morning.”

“You seem chirpy. Comfortable.” Flowers gestures for them both to walk towards the Chamber, pacing his long strides to match hers.

She folds her hands neatly behind her back, twirling her quill nervously. “Debbie taught me a new word,” she begins. “About being comfortable. When you don't feel comfortable in the skin of the gender you were born as.” She looks up at him nervously. “About looking like a man but feeling like a woman.” Flowers nods, and smiles. Ho-Tan rolls her eyes and gives up on subtlety. “Flowers, I'm a woman.”

He pats her on the back. “I thought you looked happier with the fruit.”

“You're okay? With it?” she says, seeking confirmation, validation.

“Oh, I'm all for people being comfortable in their own skin.” Flowers wanders on, smiling dreamily.

Ho-Tan smiles, and then shudders as the mental images hit her.

* * *

“Vex!” He turns as Choop flags him down, gasping for breath having run the fifty feet or so from the Chamber. Vex can't see Pressley, but can hear the panting which heralds his arrival.

“Choop. What is it?” Vex links his fingers before him neatly.

Choop holds a hand up and shakes it at him. “Listen. It's about Scribe Elder Ho-Tan.”

Vex frowns, concerned. “What is it, what's wrong, where is sh-”

The Chief Elder cuts him off with a wave. “Nothing like that. It's just that something seems to be happening about him and we want to know.”

“For the good of the realm, obviously. We're not nosy or anything,” Pressley says quickly and entirely unconvincingly.

“Yes! Certainly not because we feel out of the loop and jealous,” Choop adds enthusiastically.

Vex looks disapproving and they quieten down. “Have you tried asking he- Ho-Tan?”

“No, we thought it best to come from someone else,” Choop says, entirely genuine.

“Well, I think you should ask her,” Vex sniffs.

“ _Her_?” echoes Elder Pressley, and Vex stiffens.

“Is that it?” Choop asks. “Are we calling Ho-Tan a her now?”

Vex nods slightly and irritably in concession. “But you need to talk to her about it.”

Choop waves a hand. “Nothing to discuss. Ho-Tan wants to be a girl, we call her a her. Has she done the agenda yet?”

Vex gapes. “There she is!” Pressley says. “Ho-Tan, have you got the agenda?”

“It's in the Chamber.” Vex spins, and there she is: looking just as she always has but somehow more confident, taller, somehow full of light. She is smiling, slightly awkward with the attention, but happy.

It suddenly dawns on Vex that not only is she beautiful, but that he loves her.

Pressley and Choop nod and continue to the Chamber as if they are not in the presence of one whom Vex thinks to be the greatest treasure of all the realms. Ho-Tan flushes, embarrassed by a gaze she thinks judgemental.

“I am sorry,” he manages. “I didn't mean to say.”

She shrugs. “I don't mind. Really.”

Vex swallows, suddenly nervous with her as he never has been before. “You look nice,” he says.

Ho-Tan huffs a gentle laugh. Her smile has a teasing note, and she's never looked more happy, more pretty. “I look the same as always, Vex.”

“I know,” he says.

It dawns on her slowly, blush spreading across her cheekbones like the sun stealing over the mountains in the morning. “Thank you.”

He holds out a hand, guiding her towards the Chamber, and she leads them, step confident, into the future.

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I'm talking about. If I am wrong in any way, please let me know.  
> I love this fandom, and I love dear trans Ho-Tan. My thanks in particular to johnderland who got me into the idea, because I was slightly oblivious to what is now obvious.


End file.
